Back in Town
by JacksBileDuct
Summary: Picks up a couple of weeks after the end of season 6, Carmen returns for Jenny's funeral and finds that Shane is a mess, but can something good come from Jenny's death? Shane's POV.
1. Chapter 1

(This is my first fan fiction in like…over a year I think? And it's my first L word ff. Basically I'm super pissed at the ending of the show, how not a damn thing is resolved. CURSE YOU ILENE CHAIKEN. So, I thought I'd continue the story, think of this like if there'd been a season 7. Read and Review and I'll update as frequently as the ideas come :D Thanks in advance)

"Jennifer Diane Schecter was a young and talented writer…'' the priest says from behind his podium, his voice echoing through the church. Alice just leans over to me and hisses into my ear.

"Writer? She's a fucking thief!'' Alice murmurs loud enough for the preacher to cast a glance her way.

"Alice!'' I hiss back like a mother scolding her child. Alice gives me a confused look and sighs, exasperated. She folds her arms over her chest and sinks back into her seat. She's biting her bottom lip and fidgeting, her legs jittering up in down in a fast paced rhythm as she ignores the eulogy.

I reach up with both hands and my fingertips tug at my eyelids, stretching them down. I'm half awake; I can't remember the last time I got a decent night's sleep. I guess it's hard to sleep next door to where your best friend died. My bed must be less than 100 feet from where I pulled her limp body out of the pool.

I feel tears clawing their way up my throat so I tilt my head down and grab my head, the web of my thumb and index finger stretched out over my forehead. I get these little flashes of myself. Like I'm looking above, looking down on myself about two weeks ago.

(Insert the indescribable flashback noise from Lost)

I'm jumping in the pool and before my feet hit bottom my arms are wrapped around her stomach. My feet push off the ground and send my body back up for air. My eyes snap open to the stinging feel of chlorine and my arms are flipping Jenny onto her back. Her head, the big sopping wet mass of black hair pressed against me sternum, my hands under her arms and my feet pulling us both backwards towards the little stairs. My bangs are clinging to my face but through the little space I see Bette cautiously pushing herself into the water, gingerly swinging her legs in like she's worried about the temperature for a leisurely dip.

I spit in a spray of pool water and my stinging eyes blink. I look over to the pools edge and see them all standing there. Helena with a hand on her hip and a drink in her other hand. Her brow is furrowed and her eyes focused on me as she slowly brings the glass up to her lips and takes a swig.

Tina and Kit have their arms wrapped over a sobbing Alice's shoulders, who's covering her mouth with both hands while hot tears squeeze out her tiny eyes.

"Help me!'' I scream to Bette. She looks at me with her dark eyed widened. She looks down at Jenny's legs under the water then back to me, almost like she's looking for me to let her off the hook so she doesn't have to get her shirt wet or something.

My heel hits the first step unexpectedly and I fall back, sending myself and Jenny back under water for a second until my legs scramble and push us back up.

"Bette!'' I say choking on the pool water still in my throat as I struggle to keep Jenny up. This time Bette reaches right under and scoops up Jenny's tiny legs. I clamber backwards up the other steps and we plop Jenny onto the patio.

I look down into the closed eyes of my best friend and she's fucking blue. I'm coughing up more water, so hard I have to push away and puke my guts up on the grass.

I hear Max yell that he's calling for an ambulance but I can't turn my body. The acid burns up my throat as I empty the almost clear contents of my stomach onto Bette and Tina's lawn. I hear Kit's voice behind me.

"Is she breathing?''

I wipe my upchuck with the back of my hand and twist my hunched over body to look at them. Bette's head is shaking.

"No.'' she tells her sister as she tilts Jenny's pale head back. She starts breathing into Jenny's mouth, doing compressions, the works. But it doesn't matter. We all already know she's gone.

(Flashback noise)

"And this will conclude today's service, refreshments will be served in the adjoining room…'' the preacher tells the room with his arm outstretched.

"Thank fuck!'' Alice says loud enough for us all to hear, jumping to her feet. "I'm fucking starving.'' She groans to me and Tasha, who's just rolling her eyes, unimpressed. Food is probably the last thing on my mind right now.

"C'mon!'' Alice says, grabbing me by the arm and yanking me onto my feet. "Let's see if they've got those little sandwiches or some shit.''

Alice is dragging me down the aisle like I'm some lost ring bearer, my feet struggling to keep up. Tasha, Max and Helena behind us sluggishly. Alice pushes past a few of Jenny's aunts and uncles with me in tow, and just as we're about out the door, second last row, that's when I see her. Carmen.

I don't know if it was the fact that I'd been living off blow and vodka for the past 2 weeks, or that I'd just spent the last two hours looking at my best friend's corpse in a box, or maybe it was just the sickeningly sweet smile she threw specially at me as I got dragged past, but I feel my stomach churn.

Carmen even stopped Alice dead in her tracks, and thus me. Her perfectly white teeth streak across her face and her eyes flicker warmly as she stares at Alice, whose jaw has dropped.

"Holy shit!'' Alice practically squeals as Carmen pulls her into a gentle embrace.

"It's great to see you too.'' She chuckles with her head on Alice's shoulder. I feel the acids creeping up, the sweat pouring down. Their hug slowly breaks apart and Carmen's eyes slowly pull over to mine. I feel the vomit in my throat now and Carmen just casts me the friendliest smile she can muster.

"Shane.'' She says, her arm jerks like she's unsure if we should hug or just shake hands. I open my mouth to speak, to offer some kind of apology or I don't even know, but I feel the bile on the back of my tongue and my hand flies up over my mouth. Alice and Carmen shoot me the most confused looks, they both eye me and I can't hold it back any longer. I sprint straight and it pushes them both to the sides as my legs scurry and my blurry eyes are searching for a bathroom.

The puke is filling up my mouth now; I swing around a corner and find some caterers setting up refreshments. I spin around and feel it hitting the inside of my hand now. My shoes slide across the floor as my body slams into another door and I find a room filled with collages of Jenny. Now I feel it slipping out between the cracks in my fingers and I just burst through the front doors, puke spilling out over my hand. I sprint past a confused hearse driver and finally hit the parking lot. Just like Jenny's death, I find myself emptying my insides in someone else's grass.

(R&R, or Shane starts wearing a bra :/ )


	2. Chapter 2

What little liquid is in my stomach is now watering the plants. My knees grind into the pavement. The hot California sun bakes the asphalt so the palms of my hands are cooking on it. My open mouth hangs over the grass, the flowerbed outside the funeral home. It's the gateway for all the impurities my body is forcing out.

I finally get a break and I'm practically panting. The pile of puke sways back and forth and I hope to a God I don't believe in that I don't pass out into it. My tongue runs over my lips and I taste a sickening mixture of sweat, vomit and blood. When the taste registers on my tongue I feel my stomach squeeze itself empty again and another wave of sickness hits me.

I hear my insides screaming for me to stop but I can't. Everything I have empties out and I'm struggling to stay up. I try to tell myself to trust what I'm feeling and not what I'm seeing because everything's going sideways.

I have to crawl over to the side of my car just to get away from the stench. I reach into the open window and pull myself onto my feet, pulling myself in through my window and stuffing myself across my front seat. I lay with my head in the shade of the passenger seat, my feet hanging out the window.

I push my sweat matted hair out of my face and cover my tired eyes with the heels of my hands pressing into the sockets. I'm trying to decipher whether what I feel in the pit of my stomach is another wave of boiling bile or if it's just guilt.

Suddenly I feel my feet turn away from the metal window ledge they were leaning on, but not of my own power.

"I knew you wouldn't be too thrilled to see me…'' a voice says. I shift my hand up a little so I squint out at the origin. "But this was a little…overdramatic.'' Carmen's prodding the tip of my leather shoes with her index and middle finger, tipping them from to the side so I get a clear view of her sun streaked face as she stares in at me with narrowed eyes.

"Carmen?'' I croak out through my harsh acid raped throat. The side of her mouth curls up into a smile and she shrugs. I wipe the sweat about to drip into my eye and push myself up into a sitting position, my back against the passenger door. Carmen's forearms rest on the driver's door as she peers in at me.

Her gorgeous locks are pulled back into a tight bun; a stray chunk hangs down one side of her face. She tucks it back over her ear and my stomach lets out the most disgusting gurgle.

"Wow…'' she says, "You must be really hungry!''. I throw my head out the window at the mention of food. My stomach twists into another knot to empty itself but there's nothing left. My body lurches forward, half hanging out the window. My throat wide open for the next tidal wave but nothing comes. I just hang out there with my stomach ripping around inside me.

I'm panting, boiling hot but no sweat pours out. I'm so dehydrated I can't even perspire. I hear the sound of the car door closing and I feel a hand on the small of my back, yanking me back in.

Carmen pulls me into the seat properly and starts patting me down. She flings open each side of my jacket, reaching her hand in.

"What are you doing?'' I'm saying with my head spinning.

"Your keys, give me your keys.'' She says, her hand slipping into the other side.

"Why?'' I'm asking, trying to swat her away with my dizzy hands. Carmen finally finds them in my pants pocket. Before I can even try and fight her for them she's sunk the key in the ignition and started my Jeep.


	3. Chapter 3

((Sorry this one's quite short, next chapter up by friday probably)

The awkward silence pierces us, or at least me to the core. I don't even speak until we get stuck at a red light. I'm coiled up into my seat, my head laying against my window, I reach up to rub my forehead and I feel all the bones in my shoulder shifting. The disgusting feeling like they're just waiting to poke out of my skin. I've always thin but I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and my cheek bones are like diamonds ready to cut through my paper skin. I have to stifle a gag just to avoid the pain of another round of dry heaving.

"I'm sorry.'' I say, my voice shaking. Carmen keeps her body forward, finger tapping impatiently on the wheel. Her pupils just slide to the corner of her eyes for a second. She won't even give me the decency of a full on glance, and I can't blame her.

The Mexican swallows hard, her free hand coming down to her stomach to unbutton her jacket. I squeeze my eyes tight just to shake my mind out of the gutter.

"Fucking LA heat…'' she mutters so quietly I can't even be sure I heard it or if it's just my imagination. My whole body is shaking and everything is swaying back and forth. I bury my face in my hands, squeezing my skull just to try and maintain consciousness.

"I'm sorry, Carmen.'' I repeat, my head flopping back onto the seat. This time Carmen's face actually turns to look at me, or at least I think it does. She looks for a whole half second and her head snaps back enough to see the light's green because we start moving again.

"Shit! Shane?'' I hear her say, her head turning back again for another second. My head is like a cinder block and I start getting weighed down, my head sliding down. Carmen's hand catches it and slips under my jaw; she tilts me back upright into my seat.

"Shane are you okay?'' she asks, her vision switching between me and the road. I'm so overheated, so overtired, overdosing, maybe, but I can't even make out her features anymore.

I feel a slap on my cheek, not as forceful as I deserve after what I did, frankly after 3 years of her anger simmering I'm surprised she didn't slap me across the face in the front of the church the second she walked in.

I close my eyes and try to take in a deep cleansing breath, but it doesn't work. The humidity and the dehydration, probably my own self-loathing combined and I slip into blackness.


	4. Chapter 4

I'm woken up to the feeling of an ice cold blast. My eyes snap open and my hands fly up to protect me. I have turn my head down and try to gather my bearings. The stream of water stops and I'm looking down into my lap, water dripping off my hair, my chin. I spit out a mouthful of it and lean back. I'm in my bathtub, sopping wet all over, sitting in my heavy clothes.

I wipe the water from my eyes and rub them clear with the heels of my hands. Carmen's there, hunched over the edge of the tub, detachable shower head in one hand, aimed at me.

"What in the fuck?'' I mutter to myself and she squirts me in another quick burst from the shower head.

"Jesus Christ, Carmen!'' I yell, my words coming out with a spray of droplets. Carmen smirks to herself almost mischievously as I shake some of the water out with a swift jerk of my arms. My head leans back against the tiled wall, my damp hair hanging in my face, poking my in the eye so that I have to blink.

"What is your fucking problem?'' I snarl, feeling the vicious bite lurking in my voice. Carmen just keeps her smug smile though, eyeing me up and down. I can just feel her stare penetrating right into me, we lock eyes unblinking for a long moment before she just sighs and rolls her dark eyes.

"Where's Bette and Tina?'' she asks with a quirked eyebrow. I push my bangs over to one side so I can actually see. I picture myself sitting there with big dripping raccoon eyes. I just shrug and tell her,

"Fucked if I know.'' Carmen tilts her head at an angel and brings her brows tight together, her eyes narrowing.

"Really, Shane?'' she asks, her voice laden with sarcasm. I realize my face has been twisted into a scowl so I drag my hand over it, stretching my skin and brushing off the water.

"They went to New York, remember?'' my hands grip the ledge for stability as I wobble to my feet. I side step onto the floor and Carmen's holding out a towel to me, giving me an unimpressed look.

"They didn't even stay for the funeral?'' she asks, her voice quiet and I pat the folded towel over face. Carmen's eyes drag along the floor and I can tell she's thinking about Jenny. Being in this bathroom might even remind her of the time I caught them fucking. Or maybe the time Jenny and I stepped out of here, my arm over her shoulders, cradling her into me. I never told Carmen about Jenny cutting herself in here. I don't know why. Maybe that inkling of privacy was doing a decent act of redemption in my fucked up head.

I hesitate, grasping at the air before my hand makes contact with her shoulder and her eyes flash up to mine, locking me in another gaze so piercing I can't help but stutter out my words.

"Come on.'' I say, flicking my head back towards the door, water droplets carving down my skin, gesturing her to follow, "I've got something for you.''


	5. Chapter 5

((So I tried to make this chapter a little longer since my next post may be kind of delayed with the new semester starting up, but don't worry I will update again as soon as I get the time )

Carmen waits outside my room while I change. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror that covers the inside of my open closet door. I see all of my ribs protruding, every bone in my chest exposed. I pull the first clean t-shirt I find over my head, mostly just to hide my view of myself. My skin is still damp so the shirt clings to the small of my back, my shoulder bones, and my nipples poking out at the cotton. So I pull a hoody out of my hamper and zip it up enough to conceal my new bony features, because I think if Carmen saw me like this it would turn her stomach.

I slide my belt out and my jeans practically drop to the floor. I'm so tiny and frail looking now I almost feel like pulling on some of Jenny's old clothes, just to feel normal.

Finally I'm dressed. I just dry my hair as best I can with the towel and push it out of my face. I open the door and get that feeling of déjà vu, when Carmen and I came out of this door together and I hear the sound of Jenny sobbing in the bathroom, the sound that made my skin crawl. I tell myself to just push all those memories out of my head for the time being.

My head pokes out into the hallway to find it empty. Carmen's gone. Vanished. And I can't say I blame her. In fact I'm surprised she stuck around this long.

I make my way out to the kitchen, the sun beams in through the window so bright I have to squint and put up my hand to block it. My bare feet slap across the linoleum and my other hand pulls open the fridge. A couple beers and about a third of a 26er of vodka I couldn't finish. My pale fingers grasp one of the beers by the neck and I pull it out, cracking the cap off on the edge of the shelf and pressing it to my lips as fast as possible.

The cold carbonation slides down my throat, I feel it chill all the way down to my empty stomach, and I think to myself that I'm gonna have to scrounge up some cash and go to the liquor store later.

I hunch my body over the counter, burying my face in the crook of elbow. The few sips of beer aren't sitting well and now I'm trying to mentally coax myself out of another excruciating round of sickness.

Suddenly the sound of a toilet flushing and my head snaps up. The back of it collides with the underside of my cabinets and immediately my one hand flies to the area to check if I'm bleeding, my eyes squeeze shut and I'm already screaming obscenities at the air.

My other hand punches into the cabinet door and the little wood panel of it splits when one of my rings hits it.

"Fuck!'' I yell as my hand stings with a splinter now. I tear it away to cradle it but in my reaction I hit the beer and it smashes to the floor.

"God fucking dammit!'' I howl when a stray piece of the broken bottle cuts into my foot. My heels slip in the puddle of beer and I end up on my ass on the ground. I push away from the spill just so I don't have to add changing my clothes to the list of problems.

I'm leaning against the fridge now, the coldness from the metal of the door coaxing my initial wound. My one hand flies up to my mouth now as I try to suck the splinter out. My other hand probes at my foot, plucking out the glass fragment. My face is beet red I imagine. My sharp bangs hang over my face, my chest heaves. Frustration is the first word that comes to mind.

"I guess I can't leave you alone for five minutes…''

My eyes go searching for the sound and of course it's Carmen. Standing over me, leaning against the wall a few feet away, staring down at me with the most amused looking smile.

"Fuck you.'' I snarl, not even bothering with the polite demeanor anymore. Carmen laughs, throwing her head back overdramatically and her mouth opening wide. I half expect her to make a joke about back in the good old days when she could respond to that comment with a flirtatious grin and a promise to later. But now Carmen just rolls her eyes and saunter towards me, her heels clacking across the floor. She kneels down to my level.

"Let me see.'' She says, her hand out to me, palm turned upwards. She sighs through her nose and opens and closes her hand a few times.

"Your hand.'' She clarifies, "Let me see it.'' My eyes shift down to it, hanging out of my mouth. It takes all I have to suppress a snide comment and offer it to her. Carmen smirks as she takes it in both her hands, her eyes focusing in on the wood splinter.

"Oh, poor baby.'' She says mockingly. Her long manicured nails come down and she grasps the edge between her thumb and forefinger. I feel that sick shift of it under my skin as she yanks it out.

"There, I'm sure you'll live.'' She's holding in another chuckle as she rises back to her feet. Her hands perch on her hips, her one finger tapping against it impatiently.

"So what was it you wanted to show me? Besides making a complete ass of yourself?''

I swallow the lump in my throat that tells her to go fuck off. To go back where she came from and stay the fuck out of my life because I'm really not in the fucking mood for her holier than thou horseshit attitude. It takes whatever ounce of morality left for me to remind myself how bad I fucked her over and how this is exactly what I deserve.

It takes a good chunk of my strength to push open the door to the shed. Jenny's studio, Max's old room, whatever. The door slides open and I walk in, Carmen stepping hesitantly in after me.

The air is stuffy with dust and stagnant from not being open in weeks since Max moved out.

"Are these all Jenny's things?'' Carmen says after a long moment. I turn over my shoulder and see her staring down at a table with a dozen stacks of books. Did she even have to ask?

"Yeah.'' I say, turning my attention back to my own search. I'm down on my knees rummaging through an ancient trunk from Jenny's grandparents or uncles or whatever from Europe that is overflowing with her shit, but I remember at the bottom I buried exactly what I'm looking for.

"Why is all her stuff out here?'' Carmen asks me, and I don't even bother to turn around to answer.

"This isn't all her shit. Look around the house. Just about everything in there is fucking Jenny's.'' I'm elbow deep in Jenny's childhood toys and knick knacks over here.

"Why'd you bring it all out here though? Why not donate it or give it to her family or something? It just seems like a big fucking waste to be locked away in h—''

"Because I don't wanna fucking see all of Jenny's shit, ok?'' I blurt out without even thinking. Carmen's thumbing through one of Jenny's notebooks but her head cocks up at my outburst.

"I hate that I have to go around Jenny's fucking house and see nothing but Jenny's fucking SHIT everywhere!'' I'm tossing some half degraded stuffed animal I'm sure she cherished out over my shoulder.

"It's bad enough I live in her fucking house but every time I see her shit I'm just reminded that she's gone and that now I'm all fucking alone!'' the tears are filling up my eyes but now the word diarrhea is just unstoppable.

"She was fucking insane and crazy and manipulative but she was my best friend and now I'm fucking stuck her sorting through all her fucking shit!'' I shove my shoulder into my eye just to wipe the tears away as my fingers finally settle at the bottom and I feel the box.

I fall back onto the hardwood ground with my legs crossed, the rectangular card board box taped shut on my lap. My hands on each side and I'm sucking my tears back up, squeezing my eyes tight to keep them in.

Carmen makes the few awkward steps over to me, kneeling down beside me again. Her words come out laced with nervousness, careful.

"I'm sorry.'' She says and I swallow the snot building up in my throat.

"Here.'' I hold the box out to her. Carmen just shoots me a perplexed look, gingerly taking the box. I sniffle and avoid her gaze. "It's yours.''

Carmen drags the knife down the taped opening of the box and peels it open, spreading the flaps apart. A huge smile tears across her face and I can't say I don't feel my heart leap. The knife drops back onto the countertop.

"You saved it all?'' she pulls out a pair of oversized headphones, some huge name brand I'm sure.

"Well we couldn't just throw it out.'' I say shrugging. She starts sifting through the box. My fingers curl around the ledge of the counter, and a question that's been bugging me for years comes out of my mouth.

"Why didn't you come get it?'' I question, my eyes glassy still with the remnants of tears. Carmen's grin dissolves; her face is solemn now as she pulls out each item and set it on the counter individually.

"Because I didn't ever wanna come back here.'' She tells me, her words tentative. She's avoiding my eyes now, and I feel compelled to step closer, so I do.

"It's thousands of dollar's worth of equipment.'' I utter. The way I sound probably makes her disgusted. I'm downplaying the whole thing. She slides the empty box away. Her teeth come down and dig into her bottom lip as her eyes scan over all her old DJ equipment absent mindedly. Finally Carmen, mustering up more courage than I think I ever could, spins sideways so she's facing me. She looks me dead in the eyes and I imagine that's the exact same feeling as a knife going in. She just shrugs at me with one shoulder.

"Thousands of dollars was worth not seeing you.''


	6. Chapter 6

((Hopefully this chapter was worth the wait kiddies ;) Also, why doesn't Kate Moennig get more work? She is goddamn stellar and deserves more roles. Alas, ignore my rants and enjoy :D ))

The clerk pulls out each object with as much care as a rhinoceros. He practically slams each item down on the glass counter hard enough to break it. I'm biting my tongue just to stop myself from telling him to get a fucking clue.

I'm a few feet behind Carmen pacing like a mad woman; trying to pretend I'm interested in some used DVD's when really I'm just avoiding eye contact with the rest of the store. Even looking at the back of Carmen's head is intimidating now.

She has her arms folded over her chest and her hips lean to one side, her head's tilted up and even without seeing her face I can tell she's not paying attention.

The clerk looks down through his thick eyeglasses, staring at the variety of headphones and turntables laid out in front of him. His tongue prods the inside of his cheeks; he scratches his head like he's going through this huge thought process. After a long moment he shrugs and looks to Carmen.

"I'll give you two grand for the lot.'' He offers. I step up right behind Carmen and practically bark from over her shoulder.

"That's bullshit! It's worth five at lea—''

"I'll take it.'' Carmen interrupts, talking right over me and shutting me up. I shrink back into myself as the guy starts pulling out bills from the register. Carmen slowly turns her head towards me, completely calm and just stares at me. She can see the frustration practically emanating off me. The annoyance in my eyes that she's just treating me like some child.

"Fuck this.'' I mutter and storm out of the pawn shop. Flinging open the door with one hand, resisting the urge to just kick over a rack on my way out.

Carmen saunters out a few minutes later, swinging her purse over one shoulder and brandishing a wad of cash in her other hand.

"Thought you left.'' She says, looking down on me as I sit on the curb.

"Yeah, well," I say, "you have my fucking keys.'' I don't even bother hiding the attitude in my voice. Carmen knows exactly how to push my buttons and she knows she's doing it right now. I fucking hate myself for letting her get close enough to know my weaknesses.

She's spinning the key ring around her finger and smiling giddily like she's about to propose a road trip or some cheerful shit like that. I just glare up at her and push myself off the sidewalk.

The car doors close and Carmen jams the key into the ignition. She glances at me sideways, cautious now knowing she's pissing me off and I'm not kidding. A shy smile creeps over her as she tries to keep a pleasant demeanor.

"Buckle up.'' She says as I hear the clicking of her own seatbelt sinking into the slot. I can't help but snicker. With my fist supporting my head I look out the open window and just shake my head to myself.

"Why?'' I snap, glaring at my own reflection in the side mirror, "So if we get in an accident I don't go through the fucking windshield? That would be such a fucking tragedy for the whole world wouldn't it!'' I sound like a ventriloquist dummy for an angst ridden teenager but I don't care. My body is aching and my head is pounding. Every bit of me is craving another hit. But every job opportunity I had dissipated along with Jenny.

Carmen just stares at me wide-eyed, dumbfounded. I can't tell if she's genuinely concerned or just feels sorry for me. After a long moment she just unclips her seat belt and pulls the keys out. I open my mouth to ask what she's doing but before a sound comes out my keys hit me in the chest and drip down to my lap with a little jingle.

I look up and Carmen's storming out the car, away from me. I can tell she doesn't care where she just wants to get away. I curse to myself and start having an internal debate. I don't know if I should go after her or not. It's not my place. I tell myself she's not mine anymore, and I'm the last fucking person to talk to about retribution.

I don't know what's eating at me more. The fact that I'm causing her pain all over again or the fact that I still can't work up the guts to fix it. I rip open my glove box looking for something, anything to drink. To quell my thirst or just give me another reason to procrastinate. Then of course I get that sick feeling of divine intervention when they fall out.

The last pictures I printed out at my studio come spilling out onto the floor. They've been sitting in there for so long I'd completely forgotten about them. I lean down, careful not to hit the dashboard with my forehead and get a repeat of the kitchen incident.

That black and white picture of Molly smiling that I puked all over when I was cheating on Jenny with Nikki, at the studio Jenny bought me. Of course, why remind me of all my mistakes. This picture is just another fucking guilt trip of all the fuck ups I've made. All the hearts I trampled over because I was selfish.

There are two more photographs. One is Jenny sitting at her desk, her black hair hanging long over one shoulder. She's biting down on the end of a pen and looking at a pad of paper attentively. Even looking into her eyes in a photograph I can see all the gears in her writer's mind working at full speed. I'd never really understood that but I always admired that about Jenny. How against all odds she could just disappear into herself and come out stronger in the end.

Then the little voice in the back of mind hisses that Jenny was a thousand times stronger than I could ever be and look what happened to her. Face down in a fucking pool with all of her friends hating her. And there I was, her rock. And I fucking dumped out on her ass when she needed me most.

I shuffle the pictures of Jenny and Molly underneath the last picture. I look down at it and feel my heart flicker. It's not of Carmen or Jenny or Molly or some other fuck up. It's just a stupid picture I took to finish the roll of film, but I feel a smile forcing its way over my face. The little tickle in my throat that tells me tears are on their way.

It's just a simple picture of everyone at the Planet. Bette, Tina, Helena, Max, Kit, Alice, Tasha and even Jenny. This must've been our last group coffee together.

Bette's in full business attire reading a newspaper, and Tina's grinning as she's planting a kiss on Bette's cheek. Kit and Helena are in hysterics over some joke Max must've told. On one end of the table Alice and Tasha are in their own universe, exchanging a look and holding hands, Alice smiling her cute little smile. And then at the other end there's Jenny, all by herself. This must've been around the time everyone was threatening to kill her left and right. Her big oversized hipster glasses pushed up to keep her bangs out of her face. She's the only one staring at the camera, at me. A little smile on her face. Because she was just content knowing she had me.

I get this feeling of guilt in the pit of my stomach over what I did to Jenny, Molly, Paige and all those other girls. But then I swear I can almost hear Jenny's voice in my ear. Urging me to go after Carmen. Not to make this fucking mistake again. Not to let what I did to her repeat itself. I mutter a slew of curses to myself and jump out of the car.

"Carmen!" I call out running towards her; she's digging through her purse like a madwoman, still walking away though with her heels clacking on the asphalt.

"Fuck off!'' she yells back and I watch a few passersby heads turn but I don't care, I keep going after her until I finally catch up and she has her phone in her hand ready to call for backup or a taxi, anything to get away from me I imagine.

I grab at her and she tries to pull away. I get déjà vu from when we were back at WAX, three years ago and Carmen found Cherie Jaffe there. She even has the same look in her eyes.

"What in the fuck is your problem?" I say, almost pinning her against the brick wall of a building.

"YOU! YOU are my fucking problem!'' she barks back at me angrily. I release my grip of her and shut my mouth so she can talk.

"I know coming back here was a fucking mistake!'' she screams not caring who hears. We're beyond caring what other people's opinions of us are.

"Then why'd you come!'' I yell back, my arms spreading apart in the air around me. I'm almost embarrassed to think that passion like this is only brought out when Carmen and I are together, fighting or making up. I mentally slap myself for that thought crossing my mind.

"Fuck off!'' she shouts and starts to walk away again but I catch her by the arm. I'm in no mood for the fucking pleasantries so I lay it all out, hoping maybe she'll do the same.

"No!'' I growl, she tries to twist out of my grip but I grab her other wrist with my free hand and force her close to me. "I wanna know.'' My voice is lower now, more concise. "Why in the fuck did you come back.''

"It doesn't matter.'' Carmen's eyes are glassy now but she looks like she's gonna punch me in the mouth the second she gets free. I squeeze a little harder and she stops resisting, holding in her wince because she doesn't want me to know she's giving in. I lean in close enough that I can feel her breath on my lips and I say,

"It fucking matters to me.''

Carmen's dark eyes are looking around frantically, like she's an animal in a trap looking for an escape, but I don't give her an inch. I keep her pinned there against the wall, using every bit of strength I have to hold her there and make it look effortless at the same time. Finally her eyes come back to me, and I just stare back expectantly, waiting for an answer. I want her to say it. To admit to me that she hadn't let go either.

It's been three years and nothing has ever compared to her, I can pray that she feels the same, but I've given up on that religion bullshit. All I have now is a hope that she still has that lingering feeling of what we had, the bond we built or whatever you wanna call it.

Everyone around is staring at as but nobody intervenes. They just look and keep walking, unsure of what to do. Carmen's probably debating whether or not to call out for help, but she's so damn hard headed I know she won't even before she does.

I feel my heart pounding out of my chest and my hands shaking, Carmen wriggles under my grip. I raise my eyebrows at her, reminding her I'm still waiting for her answer. She licks her lips nervously, and I open my mouth to speak. But of course Carmen never does what I expect, and she stops my words in their tracks when she pushes her soft warm moist lips against my dry jagged peeling ones. My eyes stay wide open in shock but hers are closed, I can't see how she can be enjoying this. How she could wanna savour this moment, but I know I sure as hell do. So I close my eyes and slowly loosen my grip.


	7. Chapter 7

((Here's a short little chapter, I just dashed it off pretty quickly but unlike most of my writing I think I love it. I can just picture Shane and Alice having this conversation (especially the entrepreneur line!). Hope you guys like it :D ))

"So did you guys finally fuck?''

"Alice!'' I scold, almost choking on my coffee. She rolls her brown eyes and shrinks back into her seat, arms folded over her chest.

"What? I mean come on!'' Alice squeals. "I mean Carmen shows up, and you guys disappear into the sunset for the rest of the week!''

"She's just in town on business.''

"Business? Well, if fucking is business then I'm a goddamn entrepreneur!'' Alice is practically yelling at me from across the table and I can't help but laugh. I've missed her jokes, the way she just craves gossip, everything.

"Alice…'' I say, taking a swig of my espresso and she sighs through her nose, regaining her composure.

"Fine, fine.'' She says calmly, turning her palms towards me and then leaning on the table.

"But for real, you guys have been shacked up for days. And you're telling me nothing happened?'' she's back to prying now.

"Well…'' I star to say but Alice intervenes.

"Well? OH MY GOD. YOU'RE BACK TOGETHER!'' she throws her arms up in the air like God has just answered her prayers, a huge grin from ear to ear takes over her face. Alice is so excited that a few other Planet patrons have taken notice. I have to lean across the table and grab her by the arm, pulling her back down to Earth and I hiss to Alice that we're not.

"Well what in the fuck have you been doing then? You. Fucking 'Shane McCutcheon, center of the LA lesbian universe'. You could get any girl you wanted and you're saying you haven't even tried to get Carmen? Come on! You guys are like fucking soul mates!'' a mix of irritation and anticipation are soaking Alice's words and I have to bury my head in my hands just to deal with her now.

"Al…'' I say muffled into my palms, trying to relax her. I spread apart my fingers and peek through the cracks. Alice is just staring at me with raised eyebrows, practically demanding an explanation. I press my hand together over my nose, my thumbs under my chin and I exhale briskly. Even I can't hold it in any longer.

"Ok, ok…'' I start and Alice is already smiling again, leaning right in eagerly for story time. "We kissed.''

The blonde stays there for a minute with her mouth agape like she's waiting for the punch line. She stares right at me, into my eyes and when I don't say anything else she looks from side to side.

"That's it?'' she asks after a pause and I nod.

"That's it.''

"Well…who kissed who?'' she inquires, hoping to get something scandalous. If I didn't know better I'd still think Alice was working for the Look, just trying to get juicy gossip.

"Alice is this gonna be like the Jenny thing?'' I ask, leaning back and Alice quirks an eyebrow.

"What Jenny thing?'' she says playing dumb and I roll my eyes.

"The Jenny thing, where you found out we were fucking and then told everyone.''

"So you guys are fucking!'' Alice bursts, changing the subject but I just shake my head.

"She kissed me.'' I answer, dragging her back to the original question. Alice's brow furrows and her eyes narrow as her brain processes the information. Her eyes scan over the room and then she leans in and practically whispers,

"Was there tongue?''

"Godammit, Alice!'' I snap ad she jolts back.

"Oh my God, what!'' she replies with genuine shock at my prudishness.

"No! God! It was just like…a 5 second thing, ok?''

"So what, you're just walking down the street and out of the blue she just kisses you for 5 seconds and then you guys just keep going on your merry way?'' she questions in disbelief. I pinch the bridge of my nose between my thumb and forefinger.

"No, Alice.'' I groan. She folds her arms over her chest again, exasperated.

"Well, fuck! What exactly happened then?'' I feel like telling her this conversation could've ended five minutes ago if she'd started off with that question. I rub my hands together trying to look for the words and I just shrug.

"Well we were in the car and I pissed her off, and when she tried to walk away I grabbed her, then she kissed me and I let her go and that was it.''

"You're telling me you guys didn't go knock boots in the backseat after that?'' I look at Alice over the brim of my cup and just shake my head. Alice shakes her head and scoffs, propping her head up on her fist.

"So you just drove home after that and nothing else has happened? And how long ago was this?'' she asks like a concerned mother wanting to know of my whereabouts. I place the empty cup back down on the table and shrug.

"Day and a half ago?'' I estimate. Alice's thing eyebrows rise up higher than I knew they could. The bottom portion of her jaw hangs apart from the top and she stares at my eyes and I know what she's doing. She's trying to see if I'm lying but after a long moment I guess she's satisfied that I'm being truthful.

"That's not the Shane I remember. Y'see the Shane I know would've pounced on that like a lion on a wildebeest.'' She picks up the magazine she'd been reading when she was waiting for me and flips it open. Her eyes shift from side to side as she reads over something. I bite down on the knuckle of my thumb since I can't deny everything Alice has said. She turns the pages and sighs, her eyes switch back up to me and she says glumly,

"I don't know how to feel about this.''


	8. Chapter 8

((Sorry this chapter took so long to make, and it's kinda short and not really worth the wait. It was really difficult to write. This was seriously like the 8th version and I was just so fed up with it I wanted to get it done so it's not my best work and I apologize. I've already got a synopsis for the next chapter so it shouldn't take as long. Sorry once again. ))

I'm sprawled out on my back, fingers wrapping tight around my headboard and my eyes squeezed tight shut. I look down and Carmen's head pops up from under the blanket, she wipes her lips and looks at me with her dark eyes.

"Are you ok?'' she asks and I nod, my pale skin flushed. I rub the blurry vision from my eyes with the heel of my hand. When I feel Carmen's tongue again every bit of my starts to tingle. My fingernails dig into the wood of the headboard; goose bumps coat my skin.

"Fuck…''I breath out of my heaving chest as I watch the top of Carmen's head poking up from under the blanket. She snickers but doesn't stop what she's doing.

"So, I'm guessing you don't want me to stop?'' she asks sarcastically. My whole body starts to tremble and I can't even answer her properly.

"Fuck!'' I say again, louder though. Carmen laughs and hugs my legs closer to her face. I feel every bit of me tingling, my breath shortening, and just when I'm about to lose all control my eyes snap open.

I'm face down in my bed, my head buried under the pillows and my heavy blanket covering the middle third of my body, my feet dangling out over the edge. I lift myself up like I'm doing a push up and I actually find my arms wandering around my bed hoping she'll be there. That it wasn't just a dream. But of course it was, and I'm alone in my bed now.

The alarm clock flashes 5:27 am, what I'm doing up this early I don't know. But this has become a cycle. I go to bed at 2 or 3, and I don't even realize I'm falling asleep until I wake up, always before 6. I disregard my exhaustion and make my way out the living room. I figure I can try and watch some shitty infomercial until a reasonable hour, and then maybe make some food.

To my surprise Carmen is already awake, showered and already dressed she's sitting at the kitchen table, flipping through some big book and eating some cereal. I see her from behind and I wish I could just go up and wrap my arms around her. I wish I could just pull her in tight against me and feel her warmth, kiss her cheek and whisper that I love her. But I can't. So I just walk to the fridge.

"Hi.'' Carmen says from behind me.

"Hey.'' I answer, pulling out the remaining vodka. I turn around on my heel to find a glass and Carmen's staring at me now, her head propped up on her fist, eyes penetrating me.

"Isn't it a little early for that?'' she asks with her brow furrowed. I just shrug her off.

"Depends on your perspective.'' I reply, thinking to myself that it's still dark outside so I still consider it night.

I have a sick feeling of guilt in the pit of my stomach since I've been dreaming about fucking Carmen all week like some horny teenager.

On Monday it was the first time we met and she tried to show me a mix. Tuesday I relived the night after our first real date where we came back here and I told her I loved her. Every night it's a new memory. Now I'm conjuring up scenarios that haven't even happened.

When I wake up just being in the same room is a task in itself; I can't even imagine trying to touch her. I've been doing everything I can to stay awake, stay interested in life but all I want to do is just go back to sleep where Carmen's warm and welcoming and wants nothing more than me, rather than the reality where she just treats me like a child.

"Did you take all these?'' she says and I twist my head to look over my shoulder. I practically feel my blood run cold when I notice she's looking at my photography portfolio.

"Why are you looking at these?'' I question and Carmen just shrugs and slowly turns the page, her eyes fixated on photos of Molly from a million angles.

"I just found it, I didn't know what it was…''

"Where'd you find it?'' I'd been looking for this for weeks. I filled up that portfolio the week Jenny got me the studio because I could finally develop all the prints that were on it. I'd left it on my nightstand before Jenny rearranged the room, and I'd been looking for it ever since. I never worked up the courage to ask Jenny because I didn't want her to look through it. The damn thing was practically all Molly and I knew how Jenny got, so I just figured it'd turn up eventually.

"It was out in the shed." She points her thumb over her shoulder in the direction of the backyard. "I thought I'd clean it out a bit for you, since you sleep all day." She smirks and shoots me a mischievous look. "And I found this. It was in a stack of her books.''

So Jenny took it. I can just picture her finding it and hiding it out in the shed like she did with the jacket. I guess she figured if every trace of Molly was out of sight she'd be out of mind too. As much as I loved and admired Jenny, jealousy was just something that ate her up, whether she'd admit it or not.

"So you took them, right?'' Carmen asks, turning another page. I move over beside her, placing my hand on the table for support as I lean over her.

"Yeah.'' I answer scarcely louder than a whisper. I didn't mean to, I just wasn't paying attention to my volume, but I'm looking down at the nape of Carmen's bare neck and I see her whole body tense up as goose bumps creep over her. She turns another page, and of course it's Molly topless. She's sticking her tongue out at me and flipping me off, I feel a smile tugging at the corner of my mouth because I remember taking that picture and Molly was not very pleased.

"Who is she? The girl in all these pictures?'' I can't tell if the tone of Carmen's voice is implying that she's jealous or genuinely interested, but secretly I hope it's the former. I slink into the adjacent chair, sitting diagonally from her and I watch as she flips another page. I prop my chin up on my fist and sigh.

"Molly. Her name is Molly.''

Carmen rolls her eyes and smirks, flipping through a few more pages.

"Another one of your conquests, I'm guessing.'' She says and I seem to detect some bitterness in her voice, but I ignore it. I lean forward on my elbows.

"Do you wanna go out tonight?'' I ask, and Carmen's eyes finally pull away from the album.

"What? Like a date? Are you serious?'' she chuckles and I shake my head.

"No, Kit and Helena are having a special night at Hit. Everyone's going.'' I answer, keeping my voice as calm as possible. Every little snide comment Carmen makes is another little blow to my self-esteem, but I ignore them, I'm trying to anyways.

Carmen flips the book shut and leans back in her chair, arms folding over her. Her fingers drum along her bicep as she considers her answer. Her eyes look around the room and she shrugs.

"I guess so. As long as your DD.''

"What?'' I quip and she laughs.

"Yeah, that's right. You. If you stay sober and be the designated driver, I'll go.''

"Carmen, it's a bar. I'm gonna drink. I'm not a child you can order around.''

She laughs again, pushing herself up and standing. She snatches up the album in one hand and starts to walk away, turning her body halfway around before she reaches the doorway.

"I knew it!'' she chimes, "Same old Shane, always leaving it to someone else.''

I shoot up from my chair, turning my palms outwards towards her to stop her from moving. Goddamn it. She knows just how to push my buttons.

"Fine! FINE!'' I give in and Carmen's smile is beaming at her own triumph, "I'll fucking DD!''

((Kate Moennig's gonna be on a new show that is also on Showtime? FUCK YES!))


	9. Chapter 9

((Ok, I believe this is the longest chapter but once I got to the flashback I just couldn't stop, I've tried to do my best to make the dialogue things that the characters would actually say, and I think I did pretty good in the flashback segment, but you'll be the judges of that Also I hope the little Mexican stereotype bit doesn't offend anyone, my girlfriend is Mexican so that bit was just kind of based off a personal experience with her haha. Oh and PS, this is IMPORTANT. If you haven't seen the L word interrogation tapes on youtube that they made (they aren't shown in the actual show you can only watch them online) you kind of need to because I go off things stated in them as truth, so Jenny's confusion may not make sense to you if you haven't seen Niki's interrogation tape, anyways sorry for ranting, thanks in advance for reading ))

I'm leaning on the bar at Hit, ordering a round of tequila shots when the cute blonde bartender winks at me and I have to shake my head no.

"Not for me.'' I say discouragingly, holding up my half empty bottle of soda. The girl throws me a disappointed pout and I just have to shrug her off as I collect the tray of shots and bring them back to my waiting table. Before I even set them all down on the table the greedy hands of all my friends are snatching them up. By the time the tray hits the table the ladies are already reaching in for the accompanying lime wedges.

Alice's face is twisted into itself and she's fanning the side of her face before she manages to sink her teeth into the fruit. Tasha and Helena join in. Carmen takes her time though, savouring the tequila in her mouth and casually biting into the lime. With pursed lips and squished eyes they all stare at her in confusion and Carmen just shrugs.

"Guys, I'm Mexican.'' She supplies, chewing the fruit. Alice rolls her eyes and licks her lips; Helena makes a disgusted face like she can't fathom how Carmen is so calm. Tasha just laughs and starts pouring salt on her hand for another one.

"Fucking Mexicans…'' Alice says bitterly and Carmen just laughs, reaching in for her second shot. I look from the tray to Kit and she shakes her head, holding up a bottle of water.

"No, thanks. Somebody's gotta watch the club.'' She says, eyeing Helena who ducks her head away like a scared child and reaches in for another shot, Alice and Tasha following her example.

"Shane, you're not having any?'' Alice asks nervously as she looks down into her own shot, procrastinating taking it by any means necessary. I open my mouth to answer but Carmen swoops right in.

"No, Shane's driving tonight, right, Shane?'' the Latina asks rhetorically, grinning ecstatically. I flash her a sarcastic smile and she turns back to the group, still chuckling. The girls keep taking shots and by the time the platter is full of empty glasses they're all talking in laughing in a huge clusterfuck of jumbled up words. So I just have to nod and smile and hope it makes sense. Finally they leave to go dance and I have a pounding headache from the combination of them and the music. Normally I'd be right along with them but now I see why Kit never gets involved. Being at a bar sober is probably the worst feeling right now.

I lean my elbows up on the table and put a hand on each side of my head, squeezing my temples in while I sit and wait until Carmen finally declares we can leave. In my peripheral vision I can see the bottom half of a girl approaching. I start planning out my rejection speech in my head. I'll tell her no, not tonight. Any other night but not right now. I think that maybe if I just keep my head down she'll get the idea and back off, but she doesn't. I see her standing, waiting beside Carmen's empty chair. Without looking up I say,

"I don't feel like dancing.'' I hear her laugh and I swear I've heard it somewhere before.

"Well, you never were a very good dancer anyways.'' I know who the voice belongs too. I'm almost scared to look up because all my brain can say is fuck over and over. I remember that I'm supposed to be growing up now. Handling my problems maturely instead of just running away. I groan internally and drag myself up to look at her.

"Molly?'' I almost wanna be a gentleman and stand up, pull out her chair for her, but I just stay there frozen with my fingers entwined in my hair. "Hey, I thought I recognized that voice.'' I say with a small smile. Molly's too nice to ever make a scene about this. She'll never call me out and ask why I did it. Ever since I saw her that day in the store I'd been asking myself why I didn't just tell her I never read the letter. How I didn't even know it existed because Jenny's batshit insane mind thought it'd be a great idea to hide my coat and never even told me she saw her. How I probably could've got Molly back right then if she knew.

Molly pulls out Carmen's chair with one hand and plants herself in it, an awkward smile on her face. I find myself scanning the surrounding area for her girlfriend, but I don't see one. She's alone.

"Not drinking tonight? That's a first.'' She comments, eyeing the bottle of pop I'm fidgeting with nervously. I catch the bitterness in her voice but ignore it.

"It's nice to see you too.'' I say and Molly actually laughs. She tilts her head down a little almost like she's embarrassed I made her smile. I guess I'm the last person that should be.

"So, what brings you here?'' she questions and I shrug. I tell her I'm driving all the drunks home and she actually bursts out laughing this time. Her hand flies up to her mouth to cover it but her shoulders keeps jumping up and down.

"Really? You? You're being the responsible one?''

I roll my eyes, peeling the label off my pop bottle just so my hands have something to do. I tell Molly that I guess I've just turned over a new leaf. Her eyes widen and she's smirking disbelievingly. I look around for some kind of escape. Anything to avoid this agonizing beating to my pride any longer. Between a dozen sweating dancing bodies I catch a glimpse of Carmen. She's laughing as Helena jokingly twirls her around by the arm. She's having the time of her life and I can't help but smile.

Carmen's laugh fades when she looks through the crowd and catches me staring, but before I can look away she smiles reassuringly at me and I feel my heart flip inside my chest. I'd blame it on the alcohol, if I'd had any, but my cheeks turn red and I force myself to look away before Carmen can see it.

Molly's staring at me expectantly, biting down on her index finger, her eyebrows raised. She furrows her brow and her eyes shift over to where I'd been looking. She scoffs and folds her arms over her chest.

"Don't tell me.'' She says and I just shake my head confused, "Is that your girlfriend?'' I wish I could answer yes. Maybe that'd make her go away and stop insulting me, but I can't lie. So I turn my palms towards her and shake them.

"No.'' I tell her. 'I wish' is what I think.

Molly's eyes roll and she keeps staring at me and I can tell what she's thinking. That I'm bullshitting her. That I'm fucking Carmen and eventually I'll fuck her over just like I did Molly. I don't know why but it really bothers me what Molly thinks about me. What her opinion on me is now. So I figure now is a good a time as any.

"Molly, I never got your letter.'' I utter. Her eyes go wide and her jaw twinges.

"What?'' she says in disbelief. I lean over the table more to make sure she hears me, and she does the same, listening attentively.

"The letter that you wrote me. I didn't read it.'' Molly's eyes narrow as I keep talking, "I didn't see it until…until the night Jenny died.''

"But when I saw you in the store…''

"I know.'' I say raising my hand up to stop her in her tracks, "I didn't even know it existed until you said it.''

"I told Jenny to give it to you…'' Molly murmurs and I can tell she thinks I'm just pouring more excuses onto the discussion.

"Jenny put it up in the attic. After I saw you I went home and tore up the whole house looking for it. She put it up in the fucking attic so I wouldn't find it.''

"So…you did read it?'' she asks quietly, avoiding my eyes and I notice hers have become glassy. If the circumstances were different I'd put my hand on hers to comfort her, but I know that's not what she really needs right now. So I nod.

"And what, you didn't even TRY getting me back?'' Molly says a lot louder, anger rising in her voice. She jerks away from the table and I reach across to grab her arm and hold her there but she's too quick.

"You probably sat there and had a good long fucking laugh at me! Oh Molly, stupid little girl who was just fucking obsessed with me hardy har har!'' she practically yells in a mockingly deep voice that's supposed to resemble mine. Molly stands up and forces the chair back, a few people take notice and I rise to my feet too.

"Molly, stop.'' I say reaching for her arm and she jerks away again.

"Fuck you, Shane! Y'know, I was still fucking in love with you! And you went off with fucking Jenny! I don't know why in the fuck I ever—"

"Molly! I broke up with Jenny after I read your letter!''

Finally she shuts up and just stares at my blankly, her hands fall to her sides. A long moment later she pushes out some shaky words.

"You…you did what?''

I sink back into my seat and Molly does the same, I lean in again and repeat myself.

"I read your letter and then I broke up with Jenny.''

"Why?'' she stammers out.

"Because…I knew it had to end and that was just the last fucking straw. She didn't even tell me you left it. She just hid it so she could have me all to herself. If I had seen it earlier…'' my voice trails off but Molly picks up where I left off.

"You would've gone after me..?'' I bite my tongue because I honestly don't know what the truth is to that. I can't say what I would've done. So I just dodge the question all together and feel annoyed with myself for doing so.

"Molly. I want you to know that I never cheated on you.''

"But Jenny told me…''

"She was lying. She was fucking insane, Molly, okay? In Jenny's fucked up little head she liked to make up stories and fill in the blanks. I only fucked Nikki after you and me broke up. I didn't fuck around on you.''

Molly stares at me with glazed over eyes and I can't tell if she believes me. I can see that she's a little shocked I used such harsh words about Jenny. But I can't help it. The little voice in my head reminds me that every bit of it was true. That Jenny really was selfish and insane even if she didn't go about it in a blatantly obvious way. But Jenny knew she was fucking things up with me and Molly and still went along with it and for that I can't be sorry.

After a long moment Molly excuses herself to go to the bathroom but I know she's just saying that. She's not coming back; she can't process all of this right now. I'm guessing the second I nodded to her she bolted for the door but I don't give a fuck now. All this talking about Jenny and all I do is run through the memories again in my head.

(Flashback)

My skin is crawling, my heart is pounding and my hands are shaking. Every bit of me is boiling over with rage as I storm back across the lawn over to Bette and Tina's. Tina and I are coming back from the house, and I know Tina is just fuming because she saw the Lez Girls negative. I don't know which of us is more furious.

"I'm gonna fucking kill her.'' Tina snarls as she storms into her house. I break off in a separate direction, making my way to the backyard. I can hear the chatter of Alice and Helena inside but I can't face them right now. I'm so pissed I can hardly see straight.

I start raiding the table near the pool. Bette and Tina have booze strewn all around the house so I'm sure they won't mind. I spot a half empty 26er of vodka and take a swig straight from the bottle. The disgusting taste in my mouth causes me to gag but I force the burn all the way down to the pit of my stomach.

"Shane?'' I hear a familiar mousy voice say after a few gulps. I spin around, bottle still in hand, and of course it's Jenny.

"I've been looking all over for you…'' she says with her hands clasped in front of her chest like she's about to start praying. She speed walks over to me, her long hair blowing behind her shoulders.

"You must be freezing out here. Come on, let's go inside…'' she says. Jenny reaches to cup my face in her hands and she starts to stand on her tip toes like she's gonna go in for a kiss, but I slap her hands away with my empty one.

"Don't fucking touch me.'' I bark and Jenny's hands fall down to her sides. She tilts her head and looks at me with wide childlike eyes.

"Shane? What's the matter with you? Did I do something?'' she asks in the most angelic voice. I'm so crazy with rage right now I can't even think straight, I'm trying to word a response in my head but the only thing that wants to come out is barbaric yelling. Her big blue-gray eyes stare at me, looking for answers.

"You're drunk.'' She sighs, her eyes falling on the bottle in my hand. She rolls her eyes and holds out her hand, flexing her fingers in, gesturing me to hand it over.

"Come on. You've had enough.'' She tells me and I slap her hand away again.

"Oh I've fucking had enough all right!'' I find myself yelling but I don't care. I half expect the entire gang to come outside and cheer me on for finally telling Jenny how I feel.

"Shane…'' she whines, still not getting it, "It's ok. Let's go.'' She starts to step toward me like she's going to slide her arm around my waist and help carry me in.

"No, Jenny! Fuck!'' I scream and she looks at me with those huge eyes again. "I'm not fucking drunk and I'm not gonna fucking go with you!'' she stares for a long moment before she speaks. Probably expecting me to cut her off with more screams.

"Shane, what's wrong?''

"YOU! YOU ARE WHAT'S FUCKING WRONG!'' I howl and Jenny looks at me with genuine shock. She point to her own chest.

"Me?'' she says in a confused voice, like some lost little girl. "What the fuck did I do?''

"The fucking negative! You fucking stole it! And you lied to me about it!''

"Negative? You mean Lez Girls? Shane, I didn't fucking take it, I told you.'' Jenny answers with her brow furrowed. I can tell the accusations are starting to offend her now.

"BULLSHIT!'' I'm yelling at the top of my lungs now. "I found it, ok Jen? So just stop.''

"I don't understand…''

"Oh ya, SOMEHOW the negative to the movie YOU got fucked out of just happened to show up in our attic!''

"Shane, what the fuck are you talking about?'' her eyes are narrowed. Jenny really should've gotten into acting instead of writing because she's putting on the best fucking poker face I've ever seen.

"And what about the letter, then, huh? Did that walk in there all by itself too?'' I continue on my tirade. This time I see a flicker in Jenny's eyes. I can tell she knows what I'm talking about.

"Letter? Shane what the fuck are you talking about?'' she's playing dumb and I can honestly say I'm now resisting the urge to just slap her in her lying face.

"The fucking letter that Molly left in my jacket! That SHE gave to YOU to give to ME. The letter you just FORGOT to mention to me for the last 3 months!''

I can see the fear creeping over Jenny because she knows there's no way she's getting out of this. She knows she can't wriggle away with some excuse. Of course only when she's backed into a corner does she come clean.

"Ok…'' her voice is lowered now, back to her mousy tone. "You're right. I did hide the letter, Shane.''

"Why? Why the fuck would you do that?'' I keep yelling though. Jenny reaches for my face and this time I'm not quick enough to slap her away. She puts her hands on either side of my jaw and forces me to look into her big pleading eyes.

"I had to, Shane.'' Her eyes are glossy now, shining as they fill up with tears. Her bottom lip starts to shake.

"Why?'' I ask just as quietly, feeling my throat burning raw from all the yelling. Jenny runs a hand over my hair, if I wasn't so angry I'm sure it'd be comforting, but now I just feel goose bumps from her touch because I'm so utterly disgusted with her.

"Because…'' she says as a tear rolls down her cheek. "I was in love with you. I **am** in love with you. And I knew that if you thought Molly was still in the picture you…you wouldn't love me back.'' She forces a smile over her quivering lips. I feel a tickle in the back of my throat and in my sinuses, telling me tears are welling up in me too. But I remind myself that if it wasn't for Jenny, I could still have Molly. And I know I can't forgive her.

I bring my hands up to her wrists and wrap my fingers around each of them. Jenny's smile grows and she shows her teeth. I watch as a tear drops off her jaw. She licks her lips but before she can even try going in for a kiss I pull her hands off me.

Her arms just hang in the air for a moment in complete confusion. I swallow hard to choke back the tears forming. And I just tell her the truth.

"I'm not in love with you, Jenny.''


	10. Chapter 10

Before my memory slinks to when Alice and I are sitting on Bette and Tina's front steps, and I tell her what just happened with Jenny, I'm interrupted by Carmen.

She stumbles her way beside me and bumps right into me, shaking me from my train of thought. She looks from me to the general direction Molly walked off to. Carmen's elbow juts off her hip, her index finger pointing off into the crowd.

"Who was that?'' she asks, her eyes jumping back to me. I shrug.

"That was Molly.'' I answer. Carmen scoffs, pulling out the chair on my left and sitting.

"Molly? Molly who?'' she's a bit more insistent in her voice now, not just casual.

"We dated, before the whole Jenny thing.'' I say and Carmen's eyes widen in disbelief. She bites down on her bottom lip.

"Oh, did you now?'' Carmen's words are laced with sarcasm, and I resist making a snide comment. I open my lips to speak but Carmen talks right over me, and I can tell all the tequila shots have finally been getting to her.

"Did you fuck around on her with Cherie Jaffe too?'' her words are so bitter and filled with anger that they cut right through me. I feel like my rib cage has been pulled open and Carmen's just poking at my heart.

"Carmen…'' I mutter, hoping to calm her down. Not wanting to make a scene in the middle of Hit. She waves her forefinger at me though, warning me not to interrupt her.

"No!'' she says sternly, "How long did you wait to fuck her over? Hm? Did she get a whole 6 months like me or is that your limit?"

I grab at Carmen's hand and pin it to the table, hunching forward and silently pleading with her to keep her voice down. I can't tell if it's her blood alcohol level or if she's really just this pissed, but she ignores me and keeps going.

"How long after we broke up were you two fucking?''

"Carmen, stop.''

"No, I wanna know!'' she exclaims and I lean back in my seat. I don't know if I admire her tenacity anymore now, considering she seems hell bent on calling me out on all of my misdoings. I squeeze Carmen's hand, silently urging her to keep her voice down.

"We were broken up for like 2 years, Carm.''

"Oh ya? So what you were just a celibate nun after I left then? Huh?''

I run my hands over my head, feeling the coarseness of my short hair, and I make a mental note to pick up some conditioner tomorrow. I take in a deep breath, as deep as you can with the overwhelming stench of sweat and alcohol.

"No.'' I say, "I was with Cherie for a while.'' Carmen rolls her eyes and I can just tell she's holding in some snide remark. "Then this girl, Paige, for a few months.''

"You leave her at the altar too?'' Carmen slurs, bringing a glass I hadn't even noticed she was holding up to her lips. I press my lips together tight, shaking my head as I'm staring down at the table at what I guess could only be described as shame. After a long moment of considering how to word it properly, I realize there is no pretty way to say it. So I just come out with it.

"No. We were gonna buy a house together. Then she caught me fucking the realtor.''

Carmen actually bursts out laughing, her empty hand flying up to her mouth to cover it. Her shoulders keep jumping though as the chortles keep coming. I swallow my pride and keep going.

"Then, I dated Molly a while after that.'' I interlock my fingers and hold them over my stomach. Carmen just keeps looking at me like she's waiting for the punch line. Her dark eyes shift from side to side and her bottom lip hangs apart from the top one. She quirks an eyebrow and all of the sudden her look of disgust turns into a smile.

"No.'' she says in disbelief and I look around, confused.

"No what?''

"Don't tell me.''

"What?'' I'm completely lost.

"She's a straight girl, isn't she?'' Carmen's grinning deviously, her pointer finger aiming in Molly's general exit direction. I can't help but laugh. Carmen just shot from being pissed off to almost proud sounding, like it was an accomplishment.

"She was.'' I answer and we both start chuckling. I almost feel inclined to high five Carmen at my feat. But just as soon as Carmen changed the mood, she switches it back. Her eyes narrow and she focuses in on mine again.

"Wait, what happened with her then?'' she questions. I feel a twinge in my chest, like my sternum just caved in and poked at the top of my lungs. My eyes fall away and I feel the shame washing over me again.

"I uh…'' I start and stop, Carmen slides in, trying to lighten the mood.

"Was she the realtor?'' she asks sarcastically. I can't bring myself to smile though. I just shake my head, twiddling my thumbs together.

"No, I… I didn't wanna hurt her, you know…like what I did to you.''

Carmen has a solemn look on her face now. I guess even though it's been years you never fully get over something like that. The feeling's mutual though and I can't hide it. So I just try and keep moving it along.

"Her um, her mom…didn't want us to be together. She thought I was holding Molly back so I don't know. I guess I just figured that I should—"

"Let her go?'' Carmen offers, her eyes shining. I don't wanna ask if I've made her upset, or let her know I've noticed. So I just nod a little. We sit in silence for a long moment. Both of us running over our old memories in our mind, or at least I am.

"Are you ready to go?'' I finally ask. All this serious talk really makes it harder to be in a bar surrounded by alcohol and a million girls I can't have. The back of Carmen's hand comes up under her nose and she rub's it, sniffling back a bit. She nods, her long hair hanging in her face.

"Yeah, let's go.''

(Cuts to Shane and Carmen entering the house)

We don't talk the whole way back. I just keep my hands on the wheel and my eyes on the road, and Carmen's avoiding eye contact like I'm Medusa. She stares out the window and the only sound is Alice's chatter to Tasha, who hardly gets a word out.

After we drop them off I pull into the driveway, but before I can even pull the key out of the ignition Carmen's out of the car, walking up the front steps. By the time I lock the car and get inside, closing the front door behind me, Carmen's in the kitchen pouring herself a glass of wine.

"Didn't have enough at Hit?'' I ask, tossing my keys onto the coffee table. Carmen snickers, rolling her head back and staring up at the ceiling.

"If that's not the pot calling the kettle black…'' she replies, knowing I can't argue with her. She puts her palms down flat on the countertop and slowly turns her head in my direction. She sighs through her nose, her shoulders dropping down as she exhales.

"Well, do you want a glass?'' her voice is annoyed, like I'm guilting her into it. I step across the hardwood floor of the living room and into the kitchen. I lean against the island, my fingers wrapping around the ledge, my hip bones poking against the side.

Carmen slides the glass towards me and starts pouring herself one. I bring the glass up to my lips and take a swig, and the second I taste the wine I remember why I've always liked hard liquor better.

Carmen does the same and I start trying to stuff the cork back in the bottle top. Our eyes meet over the ledge of our glasses and her lips curl up into a smile, and she pulls the glass away to avoid choking.

Fuck. That's all I can think. I know the warmth I feel isn't from the wine. It's from Carmen. I'm getting another feeling of déjà vu as I look down at the wine bottle. I remember that night, after our date. We came back for a glass of wine, but I was so goddamn into her I didn't even finish my first glass. That night we had the most incredible time. Not just because the sex was great but because we genuinely wanted each other. And that feeling has been few and far between in my life.

I lick my lips, getting the unfortunate taste of the wine again, and I look at Carmen's eyes, and I can't help but get the feeling she's running through the same memory as I am. I feel my heart beating right out of my chest as I try to speak.

"You should probably breathe…'' I tease, repeating my memory aloud. Carmen's smile grows and she ginger places her glass down on the counter. She chuckles and folds her arms over her chest.

"Really? You're gonna pull this again?'' she asks, still laughing though as I step closer. My stomach is pulling itself into knots as I take a shaky step forward. I reach up and tuck a stray piece of Carmen's hair behind her ear, but I hold my hand there on the side of her head.

I start to lean in, feeling her breath hit my lips and I can practically taste the mix of tequila and wine. I'm inching my way in, expecting Carmen to pull away, but she doesn't. Her head tilts back a little, and I can't believe she's actually welcoming it.

I finally close the gap and our lips collide, and just like the first time it doesn't take long for them to start mashing together uncontrollably. Before I know it we're making our way down the hall to Jenny and mine's old room.

My hand is on the small of her back. Her hand is clenching to my jacket, pulling me in close. Our tongues intermingling cautiously until Carmen parts her lip more to deepen the kiss, inviting me in.

We pause in the doorway and my other hand is intertwined in her hair, her nails dig into the back of my neck. We break apart for a second, both of us gasping for air. Sweat and saliva coats my lips. I look into her eyes and see how read they are, bloodshot. Carmen leans in for more but I have to stop.

"Carmen you've had too much to drink.'' I say, loosening my grip. Her mouth opens and her eyes search around fervently like she's waiting for me to tell her I was just kidding.

"What? No, Shane…'' she mutters as I slide away from her. This is torture, but she doesn't even know it.

"I'm sorry, Carm, I can't. Not like this, you're shit faced.'' I pull the covers back on the bed and gesture her over.

"But Shane, I…'' she's confused now. Looking at her now I can see how wasted she is. I guess I was so distracted trying not to be attracted to her that I missed it completely. I gesture her over and she totters the few feet to the bed. She sits down and I start pulling off her high heels, it's actually shocking she managed to stay standing in these.

"Shane, no.'' she grabs at my hand as I try to walk away. Her eyes are welled up with tears, but I remind myself she probably wouldn't remember it in the morning. Then I'd have taken advantage of her, and we'd be right back where we started.

Carmen lies down, inviting me to climb on top of her. I feel like a scumbag to say I actually consider doing it. How easy it would be to just get over her and kiss her, tell her how in love with her I am and then wait for her to pass out and leave. How she'd probably not even remember it tomorrow and I could just act like it never happened. But of course my moral compass is pointing me in the opposite direction, so I settle for just pulling the blanket over her.

She leans up for another kiss but I dodge it, just planting one on her forehead. I flick off the lamps and try to get out of the room as fast as possible.

I make a bee line straight for the bathroom. I tear off all my clothes and jump in the shower, cranking the tap all the way to freezing. I stand and lean against the wall, watching as the water runs over me. I hang my head and see the streams trickling off the end of my hair.

I slap myself across the face, literally this time. Carmen has actually forced me to take a cold shower. I mutter a slew of curses to myself, watching the water spray out from my mouth.

This is unbearable.


	11. Chapter 11

((Sorry this chapter's taken so long to post. I'm having a hard time writing anything but flashbacks))

"I'm sorry.'' He utters and my skin is crawling. "It's just who I am. Ok?'' I feel my blood boiling in my veins. He leans in closer, his breath reeks of whiskey. My dad leans right in by my ear and scarcely louder than a whisper he tells me, "I know you know what I'm talking about.''

Every bit of me wants to lash out. Tell him he's a fucking degenerate and should be strung up by his neck. I wanna punch him in his smug face and scream every curse I can think of at him. But I don't.

Because I know he's right.

And there's nothing that I can say or do that will change it, and he knows it too.

My dad walks off with some floozy on my wedding night and leaves me there in the bar's hotel to let his words fester. I wonder if the son of a bitch actually knows what he just did.

With hot tears streaming down my cheeks I'm speeding to the bathroom. I bump into a waiter on the way and hear all the glasses on his tray rattle but I don't stop. I just push open the door and go in the first stall. I bury my head in my hands, between my legs like my plane's going down.

I feel my lungs clenching tight, looking for air that won't come because I don't deserve to live. I punch the wall and my ring causes the laminate to crack open. I hit it again and again until the whole little partition is rattling and my knuckles are bloodied.

I lean back against the toilet, the tank jabs under my shoulder blades. All I can think of is Carmen's face. The pain when she knew that I'd fucked Cherie Jaffe. And all I can think is how I'm gonna see that face over and over again if I go through with this wedding because I can't help myself.

I slap myself across the face, hard. Trying to urge myself to hold in the tears and gain control of myself. My eyes are so fogged up with tears I can barely dial Alice's number on my phone.

I suck back all the tears and snot and do my best not to huff out shaky breaths when I hear her chipper voice in the receiver.

"Shane? Where are you? I can't be the best man without a fucking groom, come on! Get your tongue out of Carmen's pussy and—"

"Al, stop.'' I say and instantly the mood is changed. She can tell something's up and she knows to drop the jokes.

"What's wrong?'' she asks. I try to breath in through my nose but it's so clogged I have to choke out my answer.

"I can't do it, Al.''

"Do what?'' there's a long pause, "No! Shane! You can't back out like this, c'mon it's just cold feet, you'll be fine, let's just—"

"No, Alice! I can't fucking do it okay?''

"Well…why not?''

"Look can you just tell the minister or whatever. I'll explain later.'' My throat aches from snorting back all my tears. Alice's voice is quiet not.

"What about Carmen?''

"Tell her too.''

"Well what the fuck Shane! That's you're fucking future wife, how do you expect her to forgive this shit?'' I can tell how pissed she is at me. How much explaining I'll have to do, but right now it doesn't matter. I picture the look on Carmen's face when I break her heart a few years down the line. I tell myself it'd be better if I just nipped it in the bud.

"I don't.'' my voice crackles with every noise I make. Alice is quiet on the other line.

I feel my stomach twisting and turning itself into knots when I picture Carmen's whole family sitting there, waiting for me to come down. How embarrassed and sad and angry Carmen will feel when I don't come walking down that aisle.

"It's better this way.'' I breathe into the receiver so quietly I'm not sure if Alice will catch it or just mistake it for a whimper.

"But, Shane…''

"Look, Alice, I'm not fucking proud of this ok? Now just go and tell them. Call the minister.''

"Shane, please don't—"

"Al, we both know I can't do it. I don't have it in me. This is just who I am.''

I flip the phone shut, cutting off Alice before she can speak again and tell me some bullshit to convince me to go through with it. I let go and let it clatter to the ground. I'm wiping my tears off on my sleeve, my whole body shaking with my sobs. My eyes sting and my throat is throbbing. And all I can think is that for once in my life I did the right thing.

My eyes peel open, the sleep cracks apart like cement as I push myself into a sitting position. I'm on my living room couch, and looking over at the empty wine bottle on the floor I realize why it is I don't remember going to bed.

I hear rummaging and I crane my neck around to see. Carmen's in my kitchen, looking through the cupboards. I'm still half asleep, I flop onto my stomach and Carmen must see me move out the corner of her eye.

"You hungry?'' she asks without turning and I shake my head.

"No not really.'' I answer and her hands slide out of the cabinet and she closes it. Carmen lays her hands flat on the island countertop and smiles shyly.

"Me either.''

I rub my eyes with the heels of my hands, thinking to myself if I should bring up last night, if she remembers it or not. I wonder if I should just let it go and act like nothing happened or if I should admit to it. Maybe I should make up some cover story and lie. Tell Carmen that I just tucked her in and that was it. But then I tell myself that I'm supposed to be done lying.

"Shane?'' Carmen calls and my hands jerk away from my face. I ask what and I see she's fidgeting, biting at her lip, twiddling with her fingers. She swallows hard and rips the words right out of my mouth.

"About last night…''

I'm having an internal debate about my upcoming response. Should I say it was a mistake? Should I say it meant something to me? Or maybe I should just save us both the trouble and tell her I don't remember a damn thing.

"I'm sorry.''

`My heart freezes up in my chest and for a second I think that maybe I just imagined her words. Carmen's dark eyes stare at me, into me, piercing through. I half roll and half scramble out of the tangled mess of blankets and my own limbs and I make my way over to her.

I lean against the opposite side of the island and bite down on the inside of my lips. I don't even think about it. I'm done with the stupid games because I've already done this with Carmen once before and I nearly let her slip out of my grasp, and I won't do it again. My hand slides across the surface and hesitantly my fingers hit hers. I look at her face to gauge her reaction but she doesn't show anything either way, so I proceed.

I put my fingers over top of her hand and only now am I aware of how cold I am, because she's so damn warm. I swallow the lump in my throat and it feels like I'm taking a knife straight to the chest.

"I'm not sorry.'' I say quietly, but I know she hears me because her head jerks up. It takes all the courage I have to meet her gaze and all I can do is shrug. I tell her that I don't wanna hurt her again and she smiles. I empty my lungs in a huge breath of relief and Carmen pulls me into her warm embrace.

"Good.'' She says against my ear, "This is your last chance.''


	12. Chapter 12

((Sorry it's taken so long to update, it's been hard to write it because I'm 99% sure this is the FINAL CHAPTER! So please read what I wrote at the end when you're done the story and review! Thanks everyone! ))

I can still taste Jenny's lip gloss on my tongue when I side step my way into the bathroom stall. I just barely slide the lock into place and Niki's on me, pressing my back against the door, her fingers in my hair, her one leg practically wrapped around my waist. I'm just barely keeping up when she pulls away and grins.

"I didn't think you'd come.'' She breathes out, forcing her tongue in my mouth again before I even come out with an answer. She starts grasping at my belt, pulling at buckle. When she finally gets it loose I pin her against the wall and start ripping off her panties.

Our kisses are fast and sloppy, I don't know if passionate is the right word, but it's the first thing that comes to mind. Even though I can barely stand Niki any time she opens her mouth, but right now she's all I want.

There's a pounding on the door, telling us to get out, that we only have 5 minutes, and I stop. I remember how Jenny's probably searching for me all over. She's probably combing the entire building looking for me. Then Niki grabs me and pulls me in again.

I hear the distant sound of the announcer saying there's two minutes left, for everyone to hurry up. Niki gently slaps me on the side of my face and I snap back to reality.

"Shane, what's wrong? Keep going.'' She says and I remember what my fingers were supposed to be doing. That my lips must've just stopped in the midst of our frantic kisses. Niki grabs my wrist with her hand and starts to guide me but I jerk away.

"What're you doing?'' she asks and I can already tell she's pissed off. I start doing up my belt again; doing everything I can to avoid eye contact, because I know that'll be my downfall.

"I'm sorry, I can't.'' I stammer and practically barrel through the door. I don't want her grabbing at me, I don't wanna give Niki the chance to pull me back in, because unfortunately I know it wouldn't take much for it to work.

I'm half asleep when I feel something pressing into my lips, touching against my face. My eyes peel open and I get the blurry sight of Carmen next to me. Her hand on the side of my face, fingernails scraping against the back of my neck. Her hair all flipped over to one side and I smile, returning her kisses.

"So, what're we gonna tell everyone?'' she asks me as I as I wipe the sleep from my eyes. I shrug and say they probably already know. Carmen gets a beaming smile across her face and chuckles.

"You're right, probably.'' She pushes my hair out of my eyes and I feel like a little kid. I lean in and kiss her forehead, I'm still getting used to being able to do it and not fear being pushed away. She kisses my neck and I start to get goose bumps.

"I'll see you in the shower.'' She teases, sliding out of bed with nothing but her underwear on.

We get to the Planet just as the lunch rush is dissipating; Kit's running around like a madwoman trying to collect all the dirty dishes and cups people left. Carmen's fingers are interlocked with mine, but she tugs on my arm with her other hand, silently telling me to lend her my ear.

"What should we say?'' she asks me nervously, I don't even have to look to know that Carmen's chocolate eyes are scurrying all around the room looking for Alice, because she wants to brace herself for the impact.

Kit spins around with an armful of dishes and her jaw drops, and the plates nearly do when she sees us. Her eyes drop down and she sees our hands and starts grinning from ear to ear.

"Oh, girl! I knew it!'' she exclaims giddily, resisting the urge to come up and hug us until she can put down all the dishes. Helena swoops in from behind the counter, having heard the conversation. Before I even knew she was there she's pulling me and Carmen into a simultaneous hug, and arm wrapped around each of our necks and I can hear her kissing Carmen's cheeks.

Helena pulls away and she's grinning from ear to ear, clenching her hands together so tightly that she's practically shaking. Her eyes keep flickering from me to Carmen; I guess she can't decide who she's more excited for, but then Kit cuts in from behind the counter.

"Hey guys, Alice is on her way so you might wanna take a seat, that girl is gonna explode when she sees this!''

Carmen and I slide into the nearest table that will accommodate all of us, and Helena's already presenting us with coffees. Carmen looks sideways at me with a little smile on her face as she brings the coffee up to her lips.

"What?'' I ask, looking at her quizzically, and she just shakes her head.

"Nothing.'' She says, her fingers wrap around mine under the table. I pull her hand up to my lips and kiss it, and she snickers at my gentlemanly gesture. She leans her head on her other hand, her dark eyes still focused on me, and she shrugs.

"I guess I just missed this.''

I feel a little squirm in my chest when she says this, and I realize I missed it too. All these years, even with the other girls, Molly, Paige, Jenny. Nothing ever really compared. I always thought the word 'heartwarming' was just a figure of speech, but I can say I actually feel it when Carmen looks into my eyes.

Our moment of solace is interrupted, as usual, by Alice bursting through the door with Tasha in tow. The split second it takes for me to look at her before she actually opens her mouth I can see Tasha with a grimace that tells me Alice has been chewing her ear off the whole way here. Whether Helena or Kit somehow spilled the beans to her before she arrived, or she just figured it out herself, she knows.

"UN-FUCKING-BELEIVABLE!'' she shouts with one of her palms turned up. Her eyes land on Carmen and mine's interlocked fingers, and she's grinning.

"Do my eyes deceive me!'' she's squealing overdramatically. I roll my eyes, taking in a deep breath; Carmen squeezes my hand, silently telling me to just keep my cool. I force a smile as Alice kneels down between, and hand on each of our backs. She's grinning from ear to ear, looking from me to Carmen.

"This isn't some sick joke?'' she asks sarcastically, causing Carmen to giggle. Alice pushes herself back up and hooks Kit's arm as she walks by, spinning her around.

"Fucking pinch me!'' she beams and Kit just laughs.

"Alice…'' Tasha mutters, her muscles all tensed up while she stands like a statue, waiting for Alice to stop her little show.

By the time Alice does finally sits there's coffees already placed in front of us, and The Planet's starting to fill up with people.

I prop my head up on my fist and looking over the table I can't help but get that old nostalgic feeling. Alice is across from me, still smirking, so I guess she feels it too.

"You know what this is missing, don't you?'' she asks me, but Kit answers.

"Bette.''

"Tina.'' Helena chimes in, I look over when she speaks and see Dylan sitting next to her, and I wonder how long she's been sitting there because I didn't notice until now.

"Max.'' Dylan says a little quietly, probably thinking that he has more of a right to be at the table than she does. Carmen wraps both her arms around my bicep and squeezes me tight against her chest. She leans her chin on my shoulder and draws a huge heavy sigh.

"Dana.'' She mutters glumly, and I see a flicker in Alice's eyes as she's holding Tasha's hand. Mine and Alice's eyes lock and it's almost like we're having a telepathic moment, because I can tell she's just seeing Dana's face in her mind.

"Angie.'' Tasha adds, I guess she feels a little uneasy with her lack of seniority, and knowing the effect Dana has on us all, especially Alice. I break out of my gaze and see that all eyes have fallen on me for the final remark. I take in a quick breath and feel my pulse slow as I say her name.

"Jenny.''

We all sit in silence for the longest time, not even touching our coffees. To anyone watching us we must just look like we're taking a moment of silence for some tragedy everyone else has forgotten, instead of us all just simultaneously revelling in our old friends.

I picture the table lined with my best friends, back before everyone had to move on. Back before the kids and the relationships and the cancer. Back when it was just me and Alice, Dana, Kit, Bette and Tina. When Jenny used to come sit with us, her huge mop of hair hanging all around her.

As I look over the table I can almost see Tasha, Dylan and Helena fading away and being replaced with them all. Bette and Tina on my right all curled up into each other with Kit laughing beside them. Dana and Alice on the other end of the table just staring into each other's eyes, resisting the urge to just jump one another's bones. Jenny sitting on my left, watching and sitting but never really listening, just off in her own world while Kit tells us about some new guy she's met. Our perfect little family.

I actually feel myself grinning, just imagining us all together again. My chest getting warmer and warmer each time my heart pumps. I feel a tickle in the back of my throat like tears are about to start falling, but then she pulls on my arm.

Instinctively my head turns and I remember that Carmen's here, she replaces the vision of Jenny. Carmen stares at me with her brows pulled together, she puts her hand to the side of my face and raises and eyebrow.

"What's wrong?'' she asks me. I look around the table again, just in time to see everything fade back to reality. Back to what our little family is now. Carmen cups my chin and turns my head back towards her. Her fingers spread over my cheek, a look of genuine concern in her eye.

"Shane, are you ok?'' she asks, and I can't help but smile.

"Yeah.'' I tell her, staring into her dark eyes. "Everything's fine.''

Carmen smiles back, gently stroking my face. She leans in and kisses me, and when she pulls away I say those words I never said enough.

"I love you.'' And her smile grows, her lips part but before she can speak, Alice does.

"Guys!'' she chirps, always great with timing. Everyone's heads turn simultaneously to look at Alice. Her eyes are wide and she has her fingers all spread apart, hovering on either side of her head.

"We forgot the most important thing!''

Almost unanimously the whole table groans and sighs and laughs. I just try to prepare myself for her answer. Who else could be missing? Marina? Tim? Or maybe she finally misses Tanya.

"Sounder!'' and we all burst out laughing.

"Wait…'' Carmen says after a long giggle fit, "Didn't Sounder die?''

"Shit you're right, Sounder 2 then!'' Alice corrects herself.

"What ever happened to him anyways?'' Helena asks, perplexed.

"Oh Jenny rowed off into the fucking sunset with him or some shit!'' Alice says, followed by Tasha's hearty laugh. The whole table is grinning for the first time in what seems like forever, myself included. Even though our group isn't the same, I realize now that it was always changing. People coming and going. This is just what it is now, and it may not always be like this. At any time any of us could break up or get cancer or…

"Shane?'' Carmen whispers in my ear, my head snaps in her direction, my train of thought long derailed.

"Yeah?'' I ask her and she just smiles.

"I love you too.''

((I'm debating whether or not this should be the end. I don't know what else to do with the story, as I never even planned on it going this far. I think I like where it is, left with some of the same ambiguity as the actual finale, however mine's a bit more hopeful and just about everyone's left happy and resolved (poor Max). The only reason I see to continue it is if I've left any holes you guys would like me to fill, I'm not sure if I have. I might do a sequel someday, but right now this feels pretty perfect. I'll leave the story as in progress for now though and based on what you guys say I may continue it, but like I said, possible sequel in the future, maybe them actually getting married haha. Anyways sorry for ranting. Thank you to anyone who has read/reviewed this story. ))


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